Who am I in the quiet?

Also: It's my birthday!

Today I turn 32.

It’s a Friday¹. The weather has officially turned toward spring, sunny and nearly 60 (or at least it should be by this afternoon). I plan to spend the day doing all my favorite things. A slow morning reading by the fire, then writing, followed by my first gardening session of the season. I have a lot of pruning to do and to me there is no greater bliss than later winter gardening — cold, sunny mornings that melt into balmy afternoons, cleaning up messiness to make way for beauty. Next: A long, extra hot shower and a great playlist. An outfit that makes me happy. A drive with the windows down and music up. A fancy sandwich or salad from some place I love. A stop into a favorite thrift store (or two). A homemade dinner with friends. Simple. Good. Lovely.

Mostly unrelated: Three outfits that made me happy recently!

In past birthday newsletters, I’ve talked about things I’ve learned and have to learn, and what I’m thankful for. I love reflection, and birthdays are a natural moment to pause and take stock of what’s working, what’s not, and what’s to come. I enjoy it more than the new year because it’s quieter. It’s not about how the entire world feels about the past year and the one to come, but about how I feel about my year and my year to come. In a lot of ways, it’s much easier to remember what is actually important.

Last week I wrote a question while journaling and then copied it onto a notecard and stuck it to my computer: Who am I in the quiet? When the noise falls away, what’s left? What matters? It’s maybe the clearest way to describe a feeling and goal that I’ve tried to understand a lot in the past few years. When I answer the question and believe the answers without having to have someone else confirm them, that’s when I feel the most joy. That’s when I feel content. That’s when I feel at home with myself. That’s what I want.

Getting older, to me, feels a lot like learning the right things to redirect toward when life gets messy and uncomfortable. That question is a great example. Another one is gratitude. And yeah, yeah, it’s irritating as hell when you’re going through some real shit and someone says, “Have you tried, perhaps, a gratitude list?” But to me, it’s kind of like exercise. It’s annoying sometimes, but it does make you feel good in the end. It works. And if it works, then I am done worrying about what is cheesy and what isn’t. It’s the attitude that saved me when publishing my first novel, and it’s one that continues to pull me out of the dark spaces of comparison, envy, and self-doubt. There is simply so much to be thankful for.

First and foremost: You all. Every comment, every book pre-order, every review, every subscription, every share, every kind word. I really am endlessly thankful. On that note, I would love to turn the celebratory birthday energy back your way.

It’s a Friday. Maybe it’s spring where you are, too. Maybe you are driving your kids to daycare this morning or pumping yourself up for a big work presentation or struggling through your third draft of a novel or looking for an excuse to get outside. Maybe you just need a pick-me-up. Below are two gift cards, $75 to Dunkin and $75 to Starbucks. The QR codes should work until the money runs out.

My only request is that you use the boost of caffeine to pay it forward. Compliment someone. Call a friend. Tell an author what their book meant to you. Pre-order someone’s first novel. Look in the mirror and be nice yourself. I don’t care what it is. Just do something that amplifies the good feeling.

I don’t know about you all, but I am very good at doing the opposite, myself. I sit in bad feelings. I commit negative feedback to memory. A failure in one aspect of my life becomes a failure in all aspects of my life. I amplify the bad until it touches everything, but I rarely do it with the good. At least not as easily, and not as often. I would like to change that this year. In the quiet, when I am not weighed down by self-doubt or comparison, it is easy for me to do this. In the quiet, I wonder why I would ever do anything else.

So, happy birthday to me. Happy Friday and happy spring to us all. I hope you’re finding some moments today to amplify the good stuff, too.

I am so grateful that you’re here.

Olivia

PS: For paid subscribers, I’ll be back next week with a bonus newsletter all about my favorite thrift finds of all time (and a new desk tour, of course!).

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One last thing before I go… you can order my first novel NOW! If you’ve already read and enjoyed, I would be honored if you would leave a kind review or rating on Goodreads or Amazon. It makes a world of difference. I appreciate your consideration, time, and support immensely.

A portion of March’s subscriber proceeds will go toward the Emily’s List, an organization that trains Democratic women (who are pro-choice) in the basics of running for office, from school board to senator.

1. Side note: remember how exciting Friday birthdays were as a teenager?