Per usual, this was so well said and written, Olivia!
On a somewhat related note: I'm a big woman. I spent most of my life working myself to the bone trying to remedy that. I found out a few years ago that chronic illness and hypothyroidism (and the inability to tolerate medication for it) will never allow me the body I thought would make me happy. After some serious mourning, instead of focusing on what I thought I should look like, I focused on loving myself as I am, beyond the form I reside in, to be *able* to begin to accept it. Several within-a-50-to-75-pound-range weight-swings later, I'm 40 pounds down from my heaviest weight, realizing I'm just as content now as I was when I was 60 pounds lighter than this—where I naturally look and feel my best for the frame I have. But, what was even more exciting is that I was just as content with the way I look, how I feel, and who I am when I was at my heaviest.
I truly love myself now, and I've never been happier. The 30-pounds lighter was just a "bonus" for my connective tissue disorder's sake.
I recently reconnected with a friend who, for the past decade, has complained about their weight, and our conversations always circle back around to how much they're still busting butt to lose it. Like me, we both bore three children, and our bodies were forever changed, widened, and stretched by that. I don't know if she needed it, but I reassured her of how beautiful, smart, and "valuable" she is no matter what body she's rocking while on the phone yesterday. She thanked me, but immediately continued on about how she's down 20 pounds and how she still has a lot to go.
I asked her, "So, what's next when you reach your goal weight?"
She was quiet.
I wasn't trying to be rude, but I shared that, from experience, I've found that any time I have a goal or idea of how something (or myself) is *supposed* to look or be, when it's reached, I have a fleeting moment of celebration and pride, but a deep feeling of emptiness lurks right around the corner. And *that* is what lingers.
The goal had become my identity. And once reached, what's left? What's worth fighting as hard for?
Each goal needs to one-up the last.
What kind of existence is that?
Your house may never be the exact vision you saw for it initially, but damn is the journey amazing. And it's going to look great, house your family, and it'll be your home.
It'll be as fulfilling as my journey to loving and accepting myself as I am is, no matter what size pants I'm in. That was the *actual* outcome I wanted from the (unrealistic) goal I had in mind. Only now, I could achieve it without the added heartache of disappointment over something that could never be. Just as your house will be something you enjoy when you're "done," just as you embraced and found joy in the renovation process.
It's not giving up. It's realizing that our or societal expectations are often unhealthy for us. Life *is* a journey. Might as well enjoy it, being as healthy as we can be for what we have to work with, and finding contentment and pride in the work we put in over the outcome, even.
Because a goal or vision met is an end. And, if that's all we focused on or cared about, then, what's next?
Wow, I think I have said this already on another post of yours but I love this so much. I even teared up a little bit at the end. How wonderful to be learning this lesson so early on in life. Some people don’t learn it until the end. I’m a few years (maybe a decade?) ahead of you and sometimes I find myself being hard on myself that it’s taken me so long to really understand all those things I’d heard people say all along (“life is about the journey”; “you have to love yourself as you are” — those old cliches that happen to be true but don’t fully make sense until they really make sense). But then I remember: how lucky I am that I learned now and not in another 37 years.
I loved this part: “Radical self-acceptance was great, only as long as I remembered that it was just temporary. A way of surviving the not-yet-good-enough version of things, of myself.” — it’s so easy to get wrapped up in loving yourself so long as you’re doing x, y, z things that you “should” be doing to become “better”. But can you love yourself either way?
And also this: “It would never be done. All those images I had in my head of perfect rooms would never exist. What have we done? I thought. And then something clicked in my brain: I realized I was right. All those images in my head would never exist. None of it would ever be done. Of course it wouldn’t. Because that’s life. The in between, the progress, the work. That’s life.” — This, I think, is the secret. How beautiful a life it is to be spending it alongside your partner, making this beautiful home. It’s not about finishing the home it’s about MAKING it. Imagine 50 years from now the stories you’ll tell and the life you’ll have lived.
I love following your renovation content and all your thoughts on the process. I, too, love old homes and my old house -- thinking about the life of the house and not just our lives in the house. I'd love your thoughts on North Woods! I can't remember if you've read it.
I teared up when you said your therapists associates the word creativity with you. How beautiful and apt! Thanks for keeping me company while I painted my kitchen this weekend!
I resonate with this so much. We also bought a renovation property from the 1850's, and while it's only a 2 bed / 2 bath, it is so much more work than we originally thought. We have two rooms and several hallways completed, but have just started on the bathroom. We've learned so much, but still have so much more to learn. And you're totally right - it's a constant state of 'in-between', which is sometimes easier than others to accept. But then I walk into the done room, or the lovely hallways, or see the garden blooming and know that the rest will be like that. They won't always be covered in dust, tools and paint cans. It's just a phase. And then we'll go on to the next one.
Also. When I get caught up in the before / after accounts on Insta, I go to their feed and see that they actually completed the room many, many moons ago and are just making repurposed content feel new. They're also moving at our pace. They just share the same room a hundreds times in a hundred different ways, which makes it feel like they're moving faster to the rest of us. That helps to make me feel better about it at least lol.
Per usual, this was so well said and written, Olivia!
On a somewhat related note: I'm a big woman. I spent most of my life working myself to the bone trying to remedy that. I found out a few years ago that chronic illness and hypothyroidism (and the inability to tolerate medication for it) will never allow me the body I thought would make me happy. After some serious mourning, instead of focusing on what I thought I should look like, I focused on loving myself as I am, beyond the form I reside in, to be *able* to begin to accept it. Several within-a-50-to-75-pound-range weight-swings later, I'm 40 pounds down from my heaviest weight, realizing I'm just as content now as I was when I was 60 pounds lighter than this—where I naturally look and feel my best for the frame I have. But, what was even more exciting is that I was just as content with the way I look, how I feel, and who I am when I was at my heaviest.
I truly love myself now, and I've never been happier. The 30-pounds lighter was just a "bonus" for my connective tissue disorder's sake.
I recently reconnected with a friend who, for the past decade, has complained about their weight, and our conversations always circle back around to how much they're still busting butt to lose it. Like me, we both bore three children, and our bodies were forever changed, widened, and stretched by that. I don't know if she needed it, but I reassured her of how beautiful, smart, and "valuable" she is no matter what body she's rocking while on the phone yesterday. She thanked me, but immediately continued on about how she's down 20 pounds and how she still has a lot to go.
I asked her, "So, what's next when you reach your goal weight?"
She was quiet.
I wasn't trying to be rude, but I shared that, from experience, I've found that any time I have a goal or idea of how something (or myself) is *supposed* to look or be, when it's reached, I have a fleeting moment of celebration and pride, but a deep feeling of emptiness lurks right around the corner. And *that* is what lingers.
The goal had become my identity. And once reached, what's left? What's worth fighting as hard for?
Each goal needs to one-up the last.
What kind of existence is that?
Your house may never be the exact vision you saw for it initially, but damn is the journey amazing. And it's going to look great, house your family, and it'll be your home.
It'll be as fulfilling as my journey to loving and accepting myself as I am is, no matter what size pants I'm in. That was the *actual* outcome I wanted from the (unrealistic) goal I had in mind. Only now, I could achieve it without the added heartache of disappointment over something that could never be. Just as your house will be something you enjoy when you're "done," just as you embraced and found joy in the renovation process.
It's not giving up. It's realizing that our or societal expectations are often unhealthy for us. Life *is* a journey. Might as well enjoy it, being as healthy as we can be for what we have to work with, and finding contentment and pride in the work we put in over the outcome, even.
Because a goal or vision met is an end. And, if that's all we focused on or cared about, then, what's next?
Wow, I think I have said this already on another post of yours but I love this so much. I even teared up a little bit at the end. How wonderful to be learning this lesson so early on in life. Some people don’t learn it until the end. I’m a few years (maybe a decade?) ahead of you and sometimes I find myself being hard on myself that it’s taken me so long to really understand all those things I’d heard people say all along (“life is about the journey”; “you have to love yourself as you are” — those old cliches that happen to be true but don’t fully make sense until they really make sense). But then I remember: how lucky I am that I learned now and not in another 37 years.
I loved this part: “Radical self-acceptance was great, only as long as I remembered that it was just temporary. A way of surviving the not-yet-good-enough version of things, of myself.” — it’s so easy to get wrapped up in loving yourself so long as you’re doing x, y, z things that you “should” be doing to become “better”. But can you love yourself either way?
And also this: “It would never be done. All those images I had in my head of perfect rooms would never exist. What have we done? I thought. And then something clicked in my brain: I realized I was right. All those images in my head would never exist. None of it would ever be done. Of course it wouldn’t. Because that’s life. The in between, the progress, the work. That’s life.” — This, I think, is the secret. How beautiful a life it is to be spending it alongside your partner, making this beautiful home. It’s not about finishing the home it’s about MAKING it. Imagine 50 years from now the stories you’ll tell and the life you’ll have lived.
I love following your renovation content and all your thoughts on the process. I, too, love old homes and my old house -- thinking about the life of the house and not just our lives in the house. I'd love your thoughts on North Woods! I can't remember if you've read it.
So true.. Love this one!! Glad you are settling in.
I teared up when you said your therapists associates the word creativity with you. How beautiful and apt! Thanks for keeping me company while I painted my kitchen this weekend!
I resonate with this so much. We also bought a renovation property from the 1850's, and while it's only a 2 bed / 2 bath, it is so much more work than we originally thought. We have two rooms and several hallways completed, but have just started on the bathroom. We've learned so much, but still have so much more to learn. And you're totally right - it's a constant state of 'in-between', which is sometimes easier than others to accept. But then I walk into the done room, or the lovely hallways, or see the garden blooming and know that the rest will be like that. They won't always be covered in dust, tools and paint cans. It's just a phase. And then we'll go on to the next one.
Also. When I get caught up in the before / after accounts on Insta, I go to their feed and see that they actually completed the room many, many moons ago and are just making repurposed content feel new. They're also moving at our pace. They just share the same room a hundreds times in a hundred different ways, which makes it feel like they're moving faster to the rest of us. That helps to make me feel better about it at least lol.