I relate to this so deeply. I'm in a very similar place: all of my closest friends live in different states and I have a very small group of friends in the same city as me, but they're mainly my fiance's friends. I just got engaged and am finding that starting to plan a wedding is bringing out A LOT of insecurities I have about friendship. I keep wondering, "Will people even come? Everyone is busy, people have jobs and kids, what if they can't make the time?" Some of my mother's friends offered to host a bridal shower for me and my first thought was, "But who would I invite?" I'll probably only have a few bridesmaids. Like you, I'm working on being content and tending to the relationships I do have, while staying open to new ones.
I'm both comforted that I'm not the only one who's had these thoughts and also am sad that you have asked yourself some of those painful questions, too. I have no doubt all your wedding festivities will be wonderful, but I totally get all the feelings it brings up re: friendships, too. Wishing you the best!
The line about questioning why you’ve never been a bridesmaid was like a little gut punch to me and so relatable to me. At 40 now, I too had made much more peace with connection over quantity. I think technology has really helped this over the years. My best friend lives in Denmark and I am just outside Vancouver in Canada, and the distance doesn’t really matter. Being able to send voice notes and vids make it feel like we are closer than if we lived down the street from one another about caught up in busy lives.
This is something I thought a lot about as well after I turned 30. My closest friends live all over the country and it took me so long to make peace with that. That you can be happy with seeing those people maybe once a year and you don’t need to put so much energy into spending time with people who may not really fill your cup up the same way!
“What if I decide to wrap up all the small talk and bonding into one package every year?” I love this! I’m just back from a writing retreat in Wales and reeling with similar thoughts. Time moves differently in these kinds of environments - I feel SO connected to the people I spent this week with, even though I met them for the first time this Monday
I relate to this fundamentally as a 34-year-old especially since an international move followed quickly by the pandemic. So many friendships that I thought were rock solid have either changed significantly -- both because people/I have changed immensely or our lives have taken a different course -- or have actually irrevocably broken down. With the latter part, the breakdown of my best friendship has made me feel so hesitant about making new friends where I’m based now. Even though I know I’ve changed a lot and the friendship being over is about trust being broken and now having to put boundaries in place, I feel like I’ve failed! And I feel ashamed going into new friendships and trying to forge new connections that maybe I’m not really someone people want around. Maybe I’m actually a bit shit and unloveable. It’s like another type of social anxiety again?
Nevertheless, similarly to you, one thought I’ve been having over the last few weeks is maybe I just need to be patient around connections and not fret about quantity or whether there’s even new friendships on the horizon at all. Maybe I need to focus on bringing quality to existing relationships and taking care of my self right now. Then when I meet people I’d love to have a meaningful connection with, there’s space for it rather than desperation on my side?
These are just my thoughts as someone who’s felt so lonely over the last 5-6 years. I remember leading up to my 30th birthday and just feeling desperately sad that I couldn’t really have a party with people because they were all too far away or I didn’t feel like people would travel for me. I wanted to hide away completely.
The realisation as I approach 35 is that I want to be in a position to be a good friend when the time comes. And like you said, I’m excited for that to involve reciprocal connection and I definitely want to be able to recognise and embrace that when it comes -- irrespective of the geographic factors.
I would love if your community had in-person connection, Olivia! I’m not in the U.S. but I would absolutely come to/help coordinate a European gathering xx
"I want to be in a position to be a good friend when the time comes." I love that so much. Similar to looking for any sort of long-term, serious relationship, I guess, but I've never thought about it that way. Thank you so much for sharing your perspective with me. And I hope to see you on a group trip one day!
I think so! If you're interested, there's an episode of Dolly Alderton's book promotion podcast Love Stories where she interviews Vanessa Kirby -- VK is an absolute treasure and also one of Dolly's good friends from college (meta, for sure).
VK said this thing that I quote constantly, even years later, that her intention is to put more romance in her friendships and more friendship in her romances. I think a lot about meaningfully showing up in this way for all loved ones and ultimately just what the nature of the care might be like. And what I realised is that some of the most special platonic connections have the tenderness of my relationship with my significant other. I guess what I'm saying is, in a similar-ish vein to Esther Perel, that we can have all different kinds of enriching relationships in our lives. One of the core tenets is how we show up and the values at play. In essence, I guess I just think that I always want the people who I love to know how loved they are. So that's the goal, haha!
Looking forward to the European group gathering xx
I relate to this on so many levels and it's comforting to know I am not alone. I've never had a close group of friends, and having moved often I've always felt somewhat out of place and alone. I realize I might need to put in a bit more 'work' to make new friends, but releasing the pressure to have a huge network is freeing! Thank you for this.
Oof, this felt like I was reading my own journal entry. True connection is so hard to come by that when you find it, you have to reach out, grab it, and never let go. I just wish it would occur more frequently.
Finding friendships in adulthood is hard...and even harder to find the meaningful friendships. If you're ever looking for more connections in the Capital Region, know there are others here who are trying to find the same! :)
I'd love that! I want to try to host a local book club, but it's hard to know where people are and if they're willing to travel (I feel like people are so spread out here!).
I'm also a now-in-my-thirties person (from Philly!) thinking about friendship. The importance of the deep, true connection is so important! I have a group of guy friends who I often spend dozens of hours a week playing video games or board games with, but when we do so all we do is talk about the game we are playing.
We aren't connecting.
Then when I got on a 24-hour camping trip with these guys, or even spend 2 hours at a pub and just TALK, i feel more connection with them than I got in hundreds of hours of gaming.
As for considerations on making (and keeping) friends, I recently wrote a post on it. https://willpeterson.substack.com/p/make-friends It's focuses a little bit more towards men, but I think some of the thoughts are widely applicable to everyone. The main gist is that we need to be intentionally putting ourselves in situations where we will have frequent serendipitous encounters with lots of people: Lots of opportunities to make acquaintances. Then eventually some of those acquaintances will naturally turn into friends.
Thank you for sharing so honestly here. In my experience adult friendships are so much about your season of life. Single, married, divorced... kids/ no kids, and what age are those kids? It all factors in. There are people I saw nearly everyday when my kids were toddlers that I haven't seen since in years because our kids went to different elementary schools. BUT I will say that if you build true connections with people even if they drift away they are still in your corner. We lost our son to brain cancer a few years ago and people came out of the woodwork to help. They didn't make a show of it and when the crisis was over they faded to the background, back to their own busy lives, but I know they are there and they know I'm there for them.
I relate to this so deeply. I'm in a very similar place: all of my closest friends live in different states and I have a very small group of friends in the same city as me, but they're mainly my fiance's friends. I just got engaged and am finding that starting to plan a wedding is bringing out A LOT of insecurities I have about friendship. I keep wondering, "Will people even come? Everyone is busy, people have jobs and kids, what if they can't make the time?" Some of my mother's friends offered to host a bridal shower for me and my first thought was, "But who would I invite?" I'll probably only have a few bridesmaids. Like you, I'm working on being content and tending to the relationships I do have, while staying open to new ones.
Woof. It's hard. It's hard! You're not alone.
I'm both comforted that I'm not the only one who's had these thoughts and also am sad that you have asked yourself some of those painful questions, too. I have no doubt all your wedding festivities will be wonderful, but I totally get all the feelings it brings up re: friendships, too. Wishing you the best!
The line about questioning why you’ve never been a bridesmaid was like a little gut punch to me and so relatable to me. At 40 now, I too had made much more peace with connection over quantity. I think technology has really helped this over the years. My best friend lives in Denmark and I am just outside Vancouver in Canada, and the distance doesn’t really matter. Being able to send voice notes and vids make it feel like we are closer than if we lived down the street from one another about caught up in busy lives.
Sending you love from the people-with-friends-who-live-far-away club <3
This is something I thought a lot about as well after I turned 30. My closest friends live all over the country and it took me so long to make peace with that. That you can be happy with seeing those people maybe once a year and you don’t need to put so much energy into spending time with people who may not really fill your cup up the same way!
That's so true! I think so much more about where I put my energy these days.
“What if I decide to wrap up all the small talk and bonding into one package every year?” I love this! I’m just back from a writing retreat in Wales and reeling with similar thoughts. Time moves differently in these kinds of environments - I feel SO connected to the people I spent this week with, even though I met them for the first time this Monday
That writing retreat sounds amazing. So happy fo ryou!
I relate to this fundamentally as a 34-year-old especially since an international move followed quickly by the pandemic. So many friendships that I thought were rock solid have either changed significantly -- both because people/I have changed immensely or our lives have taken a different course -- or have actually irrevocably broken down. With the latter part, the breakdown of my best friendship has made me feel so hesitant about making new friends where I’m based now. Even though I know I’ve changed a lot and the friendship being over is about trust being broken and now having to put boundaries in place, I feel like I’ve failed! And I feel ashamed going into new friendships and trying to forge new connections that maybe I’m not really someone people want around. Maybe I’m actually a bit shit and unloveable. It’s like another type of social anxiety again?
Nevertheless, similarly to you, one thought I’ve been having over the last few weeks is maybe I just need to be patient around connections and not fret about quantity or whether there’s even new friendships on the horizon at all. Maybe I need to focus on bringing quality to existing relationships and taking care of my self right now. Then when I meet people I’d love to have a meaningful connection with, there’s space for it rather than desperation on my side?
These are just my thoughts as someone who’s felt so lonely over the last 5-6 years. I remember leading up to my 30th birthday and just feeling desperately sad that I couldn’t really have a party with people because they were all too far away or I didn’t feel like people would travel for me. I wanted to hide away completely.
The realisation as I approach 35 is that I want to be in a position to be a good friend when the time comes. And like you said, I’m excited for that to involve reciprocal connection and I definitely want to be able to recognise and embrace that when it comes -- irrespective of the geographic factors.
I would love if your community had in-person connection, Olivia! I’m not in the U.S. but I would absolutely come to/help coordinate a European gathering xx
"I want to be in a position to be a good friend when the time comes." I love that so much. Similar to looking for any sort of long-term, serious relationship, I guess, but I've never thought about it that way. Thank you so much for sharing your perspective with me. And I hope to see you on a group trip one day!
I think so! If you're interested, there's an episode of Dolly Alderton's book promotion podcast Love Stories where she interviews Vanessa Kirby -- VK is an absolute treasure and also one of Dolly's good friends from college (meta, for sure).
VK said this thing that I quote constantly, even years later, that her intention is to put more romance in her friendships and more friendship in her romances. I think a lot about meaningfully showing up in this way for all loved ones and ultimately just what the nature of the care might be like. And what I realised is that some of the most special platonic connections have the tenderness of my relationship with my significant other. I guess what I'm saying is, in a similar-ish vein to Esther Perel, that we can have all different kinds of enriching relationships in our lives. One of the core tenets is how we show up and the values at play. In essence, I guess I just think that I always want the people who I love to know how loved they are. So that's the goal, haha!
Looking forward to the European group gathering xx
Pod link: https://soundcloud.com/user-892136004/love-stories-e01-vanessa-kirby-1
I relate to this on so many levels and it's comforting to know I am not alone. I've never had a close group of friends, and having moved often I've always felt somewhat out of place and alone. I realize I might need to put in a bit more 'work' to make new friends, but releasing the pressure to have a huge network is freeing! Thank you for this.
You're far from alone. Reading these comments has reminded me that so many of us are feeling the exact same way about friendship.
Oof, this felt like I was reading my own journal entry. True connection is so hard to come by that when you find it, you have to reach out, grab it, and never let go. I just wish it would occur more frequently.
Totally agree!!
Finding friendships in adulthood is hard...and even harder to find the meaningful friendships. If you're ever looking for more connections in the Capital Region, know there are others here who are trying to find the same! :)
I'd love that! I want to try to host a local book club, but it's hard to know where people are and if they're willing to travel (I feel like people are so spread out here!).
I'm also a now-in-my-thirties person (from Philly!) thinking about friendship. The importance of the deep, true connection is so important! I have a group of guy friends who I often spend dozens of hours a week playing video games or board games with, but when we do so all we do is talk about the game we are playing.
We aren't connecting.
Then when I got on a 24-hour camping trip with these guys, or even spend 2 hours at a pub and just TALK, i feel more connection with them than I got in hundreds of hours of gaming.
As for considerations on making (and keeping) friends, I recently wrote a post on it. https://willpeterson.substack.com/p/make-friends It's focuses a little bit more towards men, but I think some of the thoughts are widely applicable to everyone. The main gist is that we need to be intentionally putting ourselves in situations where we will have frequent serendipitous encounters with lots of people: Lots of opportunities to make acquaintances. Then eventually some of those acquaintances will naturally turn into friends.
Thank you for sharing so honestly here. In my experience adult friendships are so much about your season of life. Single, married, divorced... kids/ no kids, and what age are those kids? It all factors in. There are people I saw nearly everyday when my kids were toddlers that I haven't seen since in years because our kids went to different elementary schools. BUT I will say that if you build true connections with people even if they drift away they are still in your corner. We lost our son to brain cancer a few years ago and people came out of the woodwork to help. They didn't make a show of it and when the crisis was over they faded to the background, back to their own busy lives, but I know they are there and they know I'm there for them.