I’m going to just say it — the holidays are weird. And look, I say this as someone who loves them. Who lives for them. I’m basically a fiend for Christmas. I fantasize about elaborate staircase garland. I worship at the altar of Mr. Napkin Head. I unironically love the Michael Bublé Christmas album. If I could come back as a giant velvet ribbon in another life, dammit, I think I would. In other words, I can’t get enough of this time of the year. It’s the best. And yet, if we’re being honest, it’s also kind of the worst, isn’t it? No matter how much you love it all or love yourself or love your family, the fact remains: Every hard thing feels harder to navigate during this time of year.
I mean, just take the classics: Body image, money issues, family conflict, social anxiety, disordered eating, anxiety, seasonal depression… I could go on. I don’t think I need to go into detail about how this time of year exasperates any and all of these struggles. Instead, what I wanted to write about this week is a specific moment that I often experience at some point during the holiday season. Without fail, year after year, I wake up one morning between Christmas and New Year’s and I am angry at myself for not being less anxious or more grateful. What the hell is wrong with me? I’ll think. And then I’ll try to distract myself from this and go on my phone and see everyone’s posts, including my own, of perfect, lovely days and dinners and outfits and meals and family outings and I’ll think again: What the hell is wrong with me?
My friend Kelly from Kell Of A Read re-posted this today and something about it felt so important to me. I already had the title and theme for this Substack post in mind days ago, and the quote seemed to fit right into it all. If you’re like me, maybe you seem to forget year after year after year that no one is sharing the messiest stuff in their life around the holiday season, even if they’re sharing a lot. Generally speaking, I think about social media probably more the average person (I thought about it so much, I wrote a book about it!), but especially during this time of year, when it’s so easy to go online and immediately feel like you are not doing enough. Your house isn’t decorated enough. Your gifts aren’t good enough. Your New Year’s resolutions didn’t stick hard enough. On and on it goes. Every so often during this time of year, I’ll see someone share something not-so-perfect and feel like I’m not alone, but if I’m being really honest, sometimes these posts just leave me feeling that whatever shit I’m dealing with is somehow messier or uglier. I forget entirely that even though I follow a lot of people who are sharing so much of their lives, no one is sharing everything. No one is sharing the nastiest, hardest stuff — including me.
This isn’t to say there’s some horrible thing going on in my life that I’m withholding (there isn’t, I promise!), but just that there is always going to be shit that doesn’t get shared. And that goes for the most open, most honest, most “real” people you follow online. I value honesty on social media immensely, both in what I share and what kind of content I engage with, but there is always a line, right? I mean, I certainly hope there is, anyway. I don’t actually know if I’d want to follow anyone who didn’t have some sort of boundary when it came to what they shared. But this is also where things get confusing. This is where you (and I) forget that even the most honest people you know, or follow, are keeping things to themselves, too, and that this is probably especially true during the holidays, a time when everyone expects you to be happy and thankful.
My thought here is that maybe I’m not alone in feeling this during this time of year. That I am perhaps not the only person who will find themselves at a party or a dinner at some point during the holidays, standing in a bathroom, staring at themselves in the mirror, wondering how it’s possible that they could feel so wildly grateful and still a little broken at the same time. If you find yourself there this holiday season, I wanted this essay to be a thing you take for later, if you need it. Think of it like a phone number stuck to the bottom of a flier. Tear it off and tuck it away, and when you find yourself wondering what the hell is wrong with you, asking yourself how anyone can be sad while watching Elf or why you chose to wear sequins yet again even though they always give you a rash or feeling the urge to bang your head against a wall because someone won’t stop asking you when you’re getting married/having kids/going to stop making everything about politics/etc. etc. etc. — when that happens, you’ll have this. A reminder that there is absolutely nothing wrong with you, because I promise you you’re far from the only person feeling a little weird right now. This is the holidays, after all. Things are always going to be a little weird, even if no one is writing that on a Christmas card or singing it in a song (though, honestly, someone should get on that). So, there it is. Take it if you need it.
On that note, I’d like to encourage everyone to take whatever else they need as we wrap up this year. Take walks. Take moments to yourself. Take it easy. Give yourself the largest dose of grace you can manage, and then give yourself some more. I’m giving you permission. So take that, too, please.
One more thing: Please also take my thanks for being a subscriber and a reader this year. I can’t explain to you what it’s meant to me, and I know I say that a lot, but it’s really hard for me to put it into words other than to say that if you’ve read, commented, shared, subscribed, recommended… every bit of it is quite literally helping my dreams come true. And I know that’s cheesy as hell, but honestly I am cheesy as hell (you should have seen this coming at the first mention of the Michael Bublé Christmas album). In the words of some meme I saw once on Instagram: I am cringe, but I am free. And I appreciate you all so much.
As a very small thank you for subscribing, reading, all of it, I wanted to pass along some holiday cheer. There is a $100 each on these Starbucks + Dunkin gift cards (listed below — use the QR codes to pay!), and I hope it gives some of you an opportunity to take a little moment to yourself this holiday season. There are somehow more than 8,000 (!!!!) of you here now, so I know it isn’t enough for everyone to treat themselves, and I’m sorry about that. Just know I’d buy you each and every one of you a Venti Brown Sugar Shaken Espresso + Vanilla Cold Foam if I could/was a millionaire.
A quick note before I go: I will be taking the next three weeks off to be with family and go on vacation, but I do have three mini podcasts scheduled for paid subscribers while I’m away. A preview of the topics: The three books that changed my life this year, how I’m setting goals this year (and how I used to in the past), and my yearly letters-to-self.
A portion of December’s subscriber proceeds will go toward Save the Children to support its work in providing essential services and support to children affected by violence in Israel and Gaza.
As someone who had a crappy day, I really appreciated this perspective. Glad I stumbled on your work this year, Olivia! 🙌
Thanks Olivia! This is so relatable.